It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
