Only a mothe r could love this liver
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
How does one acquire holy water?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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