For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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