My sheets look like a crime scene.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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