Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just forgot I was standing up.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
