Please don't use social media to get back at me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
