Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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