Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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