when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Less talking, more tequila
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
