Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize