my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
