Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Couch. On fire.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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