Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
