If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Small penises have feelings too.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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