genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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