the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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