I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
