he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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