I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
