I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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