I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
