i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
