My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
