Don't you send me to vm
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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