This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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