I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
