i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
