no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My penis needs a shock collar
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
