everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize