We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
