don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
