i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
