Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
