trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My balls are so social today.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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