I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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