apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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