And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
