My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
