I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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