Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
