she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
