We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
