oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
