I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize