No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
