went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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