im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize