He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
