Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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