This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
