I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize