We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
