My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
