I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
