I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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