This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
