I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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