I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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