I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
