i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
