And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
