This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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