Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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