god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Text me some of your sweat
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
