Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
