if you like me you must not know who I am
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
