I love black thongs
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
