I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Drunk is not a location!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize