Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
