In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
